Archive for finding time

Trying To Be a Mommy Without Losing Myself.

Posted in Most recent, Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 4, 2009 by onebev1

When did I get to the point of having to convince myself that I’m worth taking two minutes to brush my teeth? Yes, there are many days when I go back and forth in my mind trying to prioritize brushing my teeth now with either ironing my daughter’s clothes, making her lunch, giving her a bath, or anything else on my list; because, there might not be time to do it all and I must be true to my child. She’s the most important thing here. I can’t fail her. But guess what? The irony is, she’s  following my “example” and trying to do exactly what I do. No surprise-afterall, I am her mommy.  Do I want her to grow up with a lack of self worth or pride because I can’t manage any at the moment?  Where are the simpler days, when all I had to worry about was who I would go out with, or how good I would look, or how I could help someone else, or just worry about myself? Oh what a self-centered complainer I was when I begged God to “let me be of need to someone–I just wanted to be needed.” Now my daughter needs me more than ever to just be her mother, and I can’t manage that. I want to rally for  my causes , or take long baths, or read a book, or anything else that I want to do. But I can’t fail my daughter. I love her so much and she needs me. And afterall isn’t that what I asked God for? Just to be needed? And she did save my life…


What’s The World Coming To?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 1, 2009 by onebev1

So my hair doesn’t look the best it’s looked. So I’m not a “babe” like I was 20 years ago. Does that mean you have the right to jump in front of me in line at the pump? I was getting ready to pay at the gas station ATM machine, when this man gave me a half-assed, weak “let me go first” smile, as he raced in front of me! Hey look, I’m a single mom (which in my case means the sperm donor never manned up after tricking me into getting pregnant–oh yeah, it can happen and I’ll elaborate on that at another time–and the help I get from my mom usually frazzles me to the point of slow, seeping, guileingly clever, insanity…so, I’m doing it alone) with an 11-year-old who trys to run the show. OK, she IS running the show! I’m not good at this. I admit that. I don’t brush my teeth everyday. I haven’t showered in months and I only wash-up every couple of days. SO WHAT. I still have a soul. Inside of me beats a heart of memories and best times and old loves and triumphs. I’m still breathing. And while I’m here, let me be seen. Don’t gloss over me. please.

I’m Back

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 26, 2009 by onebev1

So I saw JL the other night, and now I have a crush on him. Whereas before it was all about the music and the singing and the talent…but now there’s more. I suppose I should thank him because I feel like I’m becoming me again, for the first time in 11 years. Who knew becoming a mother could make you lose so much of yourself? I used to really know who I was and now, I’m just starting to find out again. There’s only so much time to do it. I have to start now or I’ll still be saying what I’m going to do next time, the next time. This is the next time. And everybody else seems to be doing it so much better than me. Why is that? I love my child just as much as they love theirs.